Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
They must have gotten it to go.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
💻🤡
Bond. Trauma bond.