The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
What the dentist sees
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Pretty much! 😂👀
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s