HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
New menu item
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.