Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]