Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
This pepper has seen some shit
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.