Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
That’s fair
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf