My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
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Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”