It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
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Banana is the quietest snack
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?