I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
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cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis