“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
You Might Also Like
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*