There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Put the is in disheveled
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Who chose this font
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!