I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
one of
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.