Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets