i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
#Caturday
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”