Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir