It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
when someone compliments me
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet