I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.