Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.