Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
You Might Also Like
The Onion called it…again.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
A French press is when you hug naked
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer