Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.