“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
This is not me but this is me
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?