My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
This came to me in a dream.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
And bowling should be called pinball
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?