6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
How to find Kentucky on a map
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.