“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?