Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
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Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Respect
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.