[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
c’mon!
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*