Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
every. time.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.