*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
selena gomez
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.