Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch