i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
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It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes