“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
This is my pinned tweet
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
LOL!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!