{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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relationship goals
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Easy enough.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.