Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Wait for it
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money