My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.