People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
B
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Happy Caturday!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
This rocks
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?