[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go