Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people