Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?