Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
You Might Also Like
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.