Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Tell me you get it…🤣
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.