Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
You Might Also Like
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me too
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls