something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Not my job 😂
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.