My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.