“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?