At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.