People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.