every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.