Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.