Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know