In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
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Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
ugh not again
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
lol
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
when there are deer in the woods
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.